Darvo

"Am I the abusive one? Am I toxic? Am I the reason this relationship is falling apart?"

If you have asked yourself those questions while staring at the ceiling in the middle of the night, you are not alone. And you are not losing your mind.

You try to have a conversation with your partner. Not a fight. Just a conversation to address something that hurt you. You bring it up carefully. You choose your words, rehearse your delivery beforehand, and force yourself to stay calm.

But the inevitable happens anyway.

The spotlight shifts to you. The issue you wanted to discuss vanishes, and suddenly you are on the defensive—explaining, justifying, and begging for forgiveness. Within minutes, you are apologizing for your tone, your timing, or for being "too sensitive." Sometimes, your voice is met with chilling silence; other times, with explosive aggression or violence.

The original issue never gets resolved. Instead, you are left wondering how you became the villain in a story that started with your own pain.

When it happens once, it’s confusing. When it happens over and over again, it becomes something far more sinister.

It is a systematic psychological trap called DARVO: Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender.