TOM HOLT

The doughnut is a thing of beauty. A circle of fried doughy perfection. A source of comfort in trying times, perhaps. For Theo Bernstein, however, it is far, far more. Things have been going pretty badly for Theo Bernstein. An unfortunate accident at work lost him his job (and his work involved a Very Very Large Hadron Collider, so he's unlikely to get it back). His wife has left him. And he doesn...

Maurice has just killed a dragon with a breadknife. And had his destiny foretold ...and had his true love spirited away. That's precisely the sort of stuff that'd bring out the latent heroism in anyone. Unfortunately, Maurice is pretty sure he hasn't got any latent heroism. Meanwhile, a man wakes up in a jar in a different kind of pickle (figuratively speaking). He can't get out, of course, but neither can he remember his name, or what gravity is, or what those things on the ends on his legs are called ...and every time he starts working it all out, someone makes him forget again. Forget everything. Only one thing might help him. The answer to the most baffling question of all. WHEN IS A DOOR NOT A DOOR?

Uniquely twisted ... cracking gags - Rob Grant, THE GUARDIANFrantically wacky and wilfully confusing ... gratifyingly clever and very amusing - MAIL ON SUNDAYThere are very many reasons why British summers are either non-existent or, alternatively, held on a Thursday. Many of these reasons are either scientific, dull, or both - but all of them are wrong, especially the scientific ones.The real reason why it rains perpetually from January 1st to December 31st (incl.) is, of course, irritable Chinese Water Dragons. Karen is one such legendary creature. Ancient, noble, near-indestructible and, for a number of wildly improbable reasons, working as an estate-agent, Karen is irritable quite a lot of the time. Hence Wimbledon. But now things have changed and Karens no longer irritable. Shes FURIOUS.An hilarious comic fantasy novel from the most inventive writer in the field - revealing, for the first time, why its always raining!Books by Tom Holt:Walled Orchard SeriesGoatsongThe Walled OrchardJ.W. Wells & Co. SeriesThe Portable DoorIn Your DreamsEarth, Air, Fire and CustardYou Dont Have to Be Evil to Work Here, But It HelpsThe Better MousetrapMay Contain Traces of MagicLife, Liberty and the Pursuit of SausagesYouSpace SeriesDoughnutWhen Its A JarThe Outsorcerers ApprenticeThe Good, the Bad and the SmugNovelsExpecting Someone TallerWhos Afraid of BeowulfFlying DutchYe Gods!OvertimeHere Comes the SunGrailblazersFaust Among EqualsOdds and GodsDjinn RummyMy HeroPaint your DragonOpen SesameWish you Were HereAlexander at Worlds EndOnly HumanSnow White and the Seven SamuraiOlympiadValhallaNothing But Blue SkiesFalling SidewaysLittle PeopleSong for NeroMeadowlandBarkingBlonde BombshellThe Management Style of the Supreme BeingsAn Orc on the Wild Side

Planet A has launched a smart missile at its mortal enemy, Planet B. The missile is fitted with a warhead powerful enough to reduce Planet B to sparkly dust, as well as a highly developed artificial intelligence to operate its guidance, targeting, reconnaisance and defence systems. Planet B doesn''t stand a chance. Two years pass. On Planet B (known affectionately by the locals as "Earth"), it''s business as usual. So what happened to the big explosion followed by sparkly dust? The smart missile, it seems, wasn''t quite smart enough. Rather than blowing up Earth, it is now living among its inhabitants - but at least it''s having fun. Indeed, having called on all of its comprehensive biological and cultural databases to project itself in an acceptable humanoid form, the missile has become the ultimate blonde bombshell. The missile (now a young, beautiful and well-adjusted member of the target species) has almost forgotten its past life. Until, one day, it tries to quit smoking.

Monsters are roaming the streets of London. Of course, some monsters are scarier than others: Unicorns? No bother. Vampires? Big deal. Werewolves? Ho hum. Lawyers? ...Aaargh! Duncan''s boss doesn''t think that he''s cut out to be a lawyer. He isn''t a pack animal. He lacks the killer instinct. But when his best friend from school barges his way back into Duncan''s life, with a full supporting cast of lawyers, ex-wives, zombies and snow-white unicorns, it''s not long before things become distinctly unsettling. Hairy, even.

Monsters are roaming the streets of London. Of course, some monsters are scarier than others: Unicorns? No bother. Vampires? Big deal. Werewolves? Ho hum. Lawyers? ...Aaargh! Duncan's boss doesn't think that he's cut out to be a lawyer. He isn't a pack animal. He lacks the killer instinct. But when his best friend from school barges his way back into Duncan's life, with a full supporting cast of lawyers, ex-wives, zombies and snow-white unicorns, it's not long before things become distinctly unsettling. Hairy, even.

There are all kinds of products. The good ones. The bad ones. The ones that stay in the garage mouldering for years until your garden gnome makes a home out of them. Most are harmless if handled properly, even if they do contain traces of peanuts. But some are not. Not the ones that contain traces of magic. Chris Popham wasn''t paying enough attention when he talked to his SatNav. Sure, she gave him directions, never backtalked him, and always led him to his next spot on the map with perfect accuracy. She was the best thing in his life. So was it really his fault that he didn''t start paying attention when she talked to him? In his defence, that was her job. But when ''Take the next right'' turned into ''Excuse me,'' that was when the real trouble started. Because sometimes a SatNav isn''t a SatNav. Sometimes it''s an imprisoned soul trapped inside a metal box that will do anything it can to get free. And some products you just can''t return.

It touches all our lives; our triumphs and tragedies, our proudest achievements, our most traumatic disasters. Alloyed of love and fear, death and fire and the inscrutable acts of the gods, insurance is indeed the force that binds the universe together. Hardly surprising, therefore, that Frank Carpenter, one of the foremost magical practitioners of our age, felt himself irresistibly drawn to it. Until, that is, he met Jane, a high-flying corporate heroine with an annoying habit of falling out of trees and getting killed. Repeatedly. It''s not long before Frank and Jane find themselves face to face with the greatest enigma of our times: When is a door not a door? When it''s a mousetrap.

As youd expect from Holt, Blonde Bombshell is rife with puns, complicated setups for ridiculous gags, and a riveting story that is completely implausible. - BooklistBLONDE BOMBSHELL is a clever, funny, tirelessly inventive, apocalyptic leg-hump of a book. Tom Holt may be the most imaginative satirist to land on our shores since Douglas Adams - Christopher MooreA heart-warming tale of Armageddon from one of the funniest, most original voices in comic fiction today . . .The third planet out from the star was blue, with green splodges. Dirt.Oh, the bomb thought. And then its courage, determination and nobility-of-spirit subroutines cut in, overriding everything else, adrenalizing its command functions and bypassing its cyberphrenetic nodes. Here goes, said the bomb to itself. Calibrate navigational pod. Engage primary thrusters. Ready auxiliary drive. It knew, in that moment, that its own doom was near; because it was giving itself orders, and it wasnt putting in any thes. That was what you did, apparently, when the moment came. You could also turn on a flashing red beacon and a siren, but mercifully these were optional.Oh #/$+! thought the bomb, and surged on towards Dirt like an avenging angel.Perfect for fans of Douglas Adams, BLONDE BOMBSHELL is the science fiction debut from Tom Holt - one of the best-loved comic writers in fantasy fiction.Books by Tom Holt:Walled Orchard SeriesGoatsongThe Walled OrchardJ.W. Wells & Co. SeriesThe Portable DoorIn Your DreamsEarth, Air, Fire and CustardYou Dont Have to Be Evil to Work Here, But It HelpsThe Better MousetrapMay Contain Traces of MagicLife, Liberty and the Pursuit of SausagesYouSpace SeriesDoughnutWhen Its A JarThe Outsorcerers ApprenticeThe Good, the Bad and the SmugNovelsExpecting Someone TallerWhos Afraid of BeowulfFlying DutchYe Gods!OvertimeHere Comes the SunGrailblazersFaust Among EqualsOdds and GodsDjinn RummyMy HeroPaint your DragonOpen SesameWish you Were HereAlexander at Worlds EndOnly HumanSnow White and the Seven SamuraiOlympiadValhallaNothing But Blue SkiesFalling SidewaysLittle PeopleSong for NeroMeadowlandBarkingBlonde BombshellThe Management Style of the Supreme BeingsAn Orc on the Wild Side

When Tom Holts on form, the world seems a much cheerier place - SFX...both intimate and ambitious - not only human, but also divine - DAILY TELEGRAPHSomething is about to go wrong. Very wrong. What do you expect if the Supreme Being decides to get away from it all for a few days, leaving his naturally inquisitive son to look after the cosmic balance of things?A minor hiccup with a human soul and a welding machine soon leads to a violent belch, and before you know it the human condition - not to mention the lemming condition - is tumbling down the slippery slope to chaos.A dazzling comic fantasy novel from one of Britains sharpest, funniest writers.Books by Tom Holt:Walled Orchard SeriesGoatsongThe Walled OrchardJ.W. Wells & Co. SeriesThe Portable DoorIn Your DreamsEarth, Air, Fire and CustardYou Dont Have to Be Evil to Work Here, But It HelpsThe Better MousetrapMay Contain Traces of MagicLife, Liberty and the Pursuit of SausagesYouSpace SeriesDoughnutWhen Its A JarThe Outsorcerers ApprenticeThe Good, the Bad and the SmugNovelsExpecting Someone TallerWhos Afraid of BeowulfFlying DutchYe Gods!OvertimeHere Comes the SunGrailblazersFaust Among EqualsOdds and GodsDjinn RummyMy HeroPaint your DragonOpen SesameWish you Were HereAlexander at Worlds EndOnly HumanSnow White and the Seven SamuraiOlympiadValhallaNothing But Blue SkiesFalling SidewaysLittle PeopleSong for NeroMeadowlandBarkingBlonde BombshellThe Management Style of the Supreme BeingsAn Orc on the Wild Side

Another imaginative and seriously funny novel from a master of the humorous fantasy genre. - BOOKS MAGAZINEOnly a writer like Holt could make this work quite so well, and he does with great skill. Lots of fun. - MANCHESTER EVENING NEWSOne moment Biancas sculpture of St George is lacking just the final touches, the next, its lacking a dragon. This is only the first step in a fight between good and evil, involving some heavyweight gamblers, a time entrepreneur, a dragon, St George, and some hideous but endearing demons.From one of the best-loved comic writers in fantasy fiction comes another absurdly witty title - perfect for fans of Douglas Adams or Terry PratchettBooks by Tom Holt:Walled Orchard SeriesGoatsongThe Walled OrchardJ.W. Wells & Co. SeriesThe Portable DoorIn Your DreamsEarth, Air, Fire and CustardYou Dont Have to Be Evil to Work Here, But It HelpsThe Better MousetrapMay Contain Traces of MagicLife, Liberty and the Pursuit of SausagesYouSpace SeriesDoughnutWhen Its A JarThe Outsorcerers ApprenticeThe Good, the Bad and the SmugNovelsExpecting Someone TallerWhos Afraid of BeowulfFlying DutchYe Gods!OvertimeHere Comes the SunGrailblazersFaust Among EqualsOdds and GodsDjinn RummyMy HeroPaint your DragonOpen SesameWish you Were HereAlexander at Worlds EndOnly HumanSnow White and the Seven SamuraiOlympiadValhallaNothing But Blue SkiesFalling SidewaysLittle PeopleSong for NeroMeadowlandBarkingBlonde BombshellThe Management Style of the Supreme BeingsAn Orc on the Wild Side

Much of this is zany, irreverent fun with a serious underlying intent as Holt turns Plato, Virgil, Freud, Christianity and quantum physics--in short, the whole of the Western tradition--topsy-turvy. - Publishers WeeklyA suburban house, a child called Jason who strangles large snakes whilst still in his cot, the Olympian gods and a Girl Next Door are the ingredients of this fantasy by Tom Holt, author of Flying Dutch and Expecting Someone Taller.Being a hero bothers Jason. Its easy to get maladjusted when your mums a suburban housewife and your dads the Supreme Being. It can be a drag slaying fabulous monsters and retrieving golden fleeces from dragons, and then having to tidy your room before your mumll let you watch Star Trek.From one of the best-loved comic writers in fantasy fiction comes another absurdly witty title - perfect for fans of Douglas Adams or Terry Pratchett.Books by Tom Holt:Walled Orchard SeriesGoatsongThe Walled OrchardJ.W. Wells & Co. SeriesThe Portable DoorIn Your DreamsEarth, Air, Fire and CustardYou Dont Have to Be Evil to Work Here, But It HelpsThe Better MousetrapMay Contain Traces of MagicLife, Liberty and the Pursuit of SausagesYouSpace SeriesDoughnutWhen Its A JarThe Outsorcerers ApprenticeThe Good, the Bad and the SmugNovelsExpecting Someone TallerWhos Afraid of BeowulfFlying DutchYe Gods!OvertimeHere Comes the SunGrailblazersFaust Among EqualsOdds and GodsDjinn RummyMy HeroPaint your DragonOpen SesameWish you Were HereAlexander at Worlds EndOnly HumanSnow White and the Seven SamuraiOlympiadValhallaNothing But Blue SkiesFalling SidewaysLittle PeopleSong for NeroMeadowlandBarkingBlonde BombshellThe Management Style of the Supreme BeingsAn Orc on the Wild Side

Witty, ironic ... and achieves a deeply felt authenticity - NEW YORK TIMESGuy is a Mosquito pilot in World War II. He is surprised when his dead co-pilot apparently starts speaking to him as they are flying over Northern France. And before you can say Bomber Harris, Guy finds himself caught up in time and travel, a search for Richard the Lionheart and a damsel.From one of the best-loved comic writers in fantasy fiction comes another absurdly witty title - perfect for fans of Douglas Adams or Terry PratchettBooks by Tom Holt:Walled Orchard SeriesGoatsongThe Walled OrchardJ.W. Wells & Co. SeriesThe Portable DoorIn Your DreamsEarth, Air, Fire and CustardYou Dont Have to Be Evil to Work Here, But It HelpsThe Better MousetrapMay Contain Traces of MagicLife, Liberty and the Pursuit of SausagesYouSpace SeriesDoughnutWhen Its A JarThe Outsorcerers ApprenticeThe Good, the Bad and the SmugNovelsExpecting Someone TallerWhos Afraid of BeowulfFlying DutchYe Gods!OvertimeHere Comes the SunGrailblazersFaust Among EqualsOdds and GodsDjinn RummyMy HeroPaint your DragonOpen SesameWish you Were HereAlexander at Worlds EndOnly HumanSnow White and the Seven SamuraiOlympiadValhallaNothing But Blue SkiesFalling SidewaysLittle PeopleSong for NeroMeadowlandBarkingBlonde BombshellThe Management Style of the Supreme BeingsAn Orc on the Wild Side

An excellent book. - INTERZONEWhen Kayaguchiya Integrated Circuits III, a genie, is released from the aspirin bottle hes been stuck in for 14 years, theres bound to be trouble. Jane had wanted to end her life in peace, but now shes got a genie, things look up - until the apocalypse rears its ugly head.From one of the best-loved comic writers in fantasy fiction comes another absurdly witty title - perfect for fans of Douglas Adams or Terry PratchettBooks by Tom Holt:Walled Orchard SeriesGoatsongThe Walled OrchardJ.W. Wells & Co. SeriesThe Portable DoorIn Your DreamsEarth, Air, Fire and CustardYou Dont Have to Be Evil to Work Here, But It HelpsThe Better MousetrapMay Contain Traces of MagicLife, Liberty and the Pursuit of SausagesYouSpace SeriesDoughnutWhen Its A JarThe Outsorcerers ApprenticeThe Good, the Bad and the SmugNovelsExpecting Someone TallerWhos Afraid of BeowulfFlying DutchYe Gods!OvertimeHere Comes the SunGrailblazersFaust Among EqualsOdds and GodsDjinn RummyMy HeroPaint your DragonOpen SesameWish you Were HereAlexander at Worlds EndOnly HumanSnow White and the Seven SamuraiOlympiadValhallaNothing But Blue SkiesFalling SidewaysLittle PeopleSong for NeroMeadowlandBarkingBlonde BombshellThe Management Style of the Supreme BeingsAn Orc on the Wild Side

On the surface, MY HERO is funny; deep down, its smart, with lots to say about the fine line between Life and Art- and about what happens when it disappears altogether. - MAXIMWitty and eccentric... dazzling, neat, frivolous. - TIME OUTThis is the story of Jane, who finds the novel she is working on starts to write back. Shes already realized novel writing isnt such a piece of cake after all, and the world of fiction is a far more complicated place than she ever imagined.From one of the best-loved comic writers in fantasy fiction comes another absurdly witty title - perfect for fans of Douglas Adams or Terry PratchettBooks by Tom Holt:Walled Orchard SeriesGoatsongThe Walled OrchardJ.W. Wells & Co. SeriesThe Portable DoorIn Your DreamsEarth, Air, Fire and CustardYou Dont Have to Be Evil to Work Here, But It HelpsThe Better MousetrapMay Contain Traces of MagicLife, Liberty and the Pursuit of SausagesYouSpace SeriesDoughnutWhen Its A JarThe Outsorcerers ApprenticeThe Good, the Bad and the SmugNovelsExpecting Someone TallerWhos Afraid of BeowulfFlying DutchYe Gods!OvertimeHere Comes the SunGrailblazersFaust Among EqualsOdds and GodsDjinn RummyMy HeroPaint your DragonOpen SesameWish you Were HereAlexander at Worlds EndOnly HumanSnow White and the Seven SamuraiOlympiadValhallaNothing But Blue SkiesFalling SidewaysLittle PeopleSong for NeroMeadowlandBarkingBlonde BombshellThe Management Style of the Supreme BeingsAn Orc on the Wild Side

Another imaginative and seriously funny novel from a master of the humorous fantasy genre. - Books MagazineOnly a writer like Holt could make this work quite so well, and he does with great skill. Lots of fun. - Manchester Evening NewsThe management buy-out of Hell wasnt going quite as well as had been hoped. For a start, there had been that nasty business with the perjurors, and then came the news that the Most Wanted Man in History had escaped, and all just as the plans for the new theme park, EuroBosch, were underway.From one of the best-loved comic writers in fantasy fiction comes another absurdly witty title - perfect for fans of Douglas Adams or Terry Pratchett.Books by Tom Holt:Walled Orchard SeriesGoatsongThe Walled OrchardJ.W. Wells & Co. SeriesThe Portable DoorIn Your DreamsEarth, Air, Fire and CustardYou Dont Have to Be Evil to Work Here, But It HelpsThe Better MousetrapMay Contain Traces of MagicLife, Liberty and the Pursuit of SausagesYouSpace SeriesDoughnutWhen Its A JarThe Outsorcerers ApprenticeThe Good, the Bad and the SmugNovelsExpecting Someone TallerWhos Afraid of BeowulfFlying DutchYe Gods!OvertimeHere Comes the SunGrailblazersFaust Among EqualsOdds and GodsDjinn RummyMy HeroPaint your DragonOpen SesameWish you Were HereAlexander at Worlds EndOnly HumanSnow White and the Seven SamuraiOlympiadValhallaNothing But Blue SkiesFalling SidewaysLittle PeopleSong for NeroMeadowlandBarkingBlonde BombshellThe Management Style of the Supreme BeingsAn Orc on the Wild Side

Tom Holt stands out on his own . . . If you havent read any, go out and buy one. But dont blame me for any laughter-induced injuries - VECTOR...wisecracking dialogue. - STARBURSTWelcome to your Hearts Desire. It was a busy day on Lake Chicopee. But it was an eclectic bunch of sightseers and tourists that had the strange local residents rubbing their hands with delight. There was Calvin Dieb, the lawyer setting up the property deal, whod lost his car keys; there was Linda Lochuck, the tabloid journalist who could smell that big, sensational story; there was dumpy Janice DeWecoe, who was just on a walking holiday but who longed for love. But, most promising of all, there was Wesley Higgins, the young man from Birmingham, England, who was there because he knew about the legend of the ghost of Okeewana and what she promised. Just immerse yourself in the waters of the lake and receive your hearts desire. The only drawback was that it was Okeewana who decided just what that was . . . And it isnt always what you have in mind. Ask the ghost of Talks with Squirrels, the Indian brave who still dwells hereabouts. Or those very polite Vikings whose boat keeps on sinking.From one of the best-loved comic writers in fantasy fiction comes another absurdly witty title - perfect for fans of Douglas Adams or Terry PratchettBooks by Tom Holt:Walled Orchard SeriesGoatsongThe Walled OrchardJ.W. Wells & Co. SeriesThe Portable DoorIn Your DreamsEarth, Air, Fire and CustardYou Dont Have to Be Evil to Work Here, But It HelpsThe Better MousetrapMay Contain Traces of MagicLife, Liberty and the Pursuit of SausagesYouSpace SeriesDoughnutWhen Its A JarThe Outsorcerers ApprenticeThe Good, the Bad and the SmugNovelsExpecting Someone TallerWhos Afraid of BeowulfFlying DutchYe Gods!OvertimeHere Comes the SunGrailblazersFaust Among EqualsOdds and GodsDjinn RummyMy HeroPaint your DragonOpen SesameWish you Were HereAlexander at Worlds EndOnly HumanSnow White and the Seven SamuraiOlympiadValhallaNothing But Blue SkiesFalling SidewaysLittle PeopleSong for NeroMeadowlandBarkingBlonde BombshellThe Management Style of the Supreme BeingsAn Orc on the Wild Side

Wacky humour bubbles through the polished narrative ... Holt doesnt skimp on the flashes of brilliance - SFXA definite must for all fans of comic fantasy - ENIGMAAs everyone knows, when great warriors die their reward is eternal life in Odins great hall - otherwise known as Valhalla.But Valhalla has changed. Its grown. Its diversified. Just like any corporation, the Valhalla Group has had to adapt to survive.Unfortunately, nothing could have prepared it for the arrival of Carol Kortright, one-time cocktail waitress, currently dead, and not at all happy.Sparkling comic fantasy from one of Britains sharpest, funniest writers.Books by Tom Holt:Walled Orchard SeriesGoatsongThe Walled OrchardJ.W. Wells & Co. SeriesThe Portable DoorIn Your DreamsEarth, Air, Fire and CustardYou Dont Have to Be Evil to Work Here, But It HelpsThe Better MousetrapMay Contain Traces of MagicLife, Liberty and the Pursuit of SausagesYouSpace SeriesDoughnutWhen Its A JarThe Outsorcerers ApprenticeThe Good, the Bad and the SmugNovelsExpecting Someone TallerWhos Afraid of BeowulfFlying DutchYe Gods!OvertimeHere Comes the SunGrailblazersFaust Among EqualsOdds and GodsDjinn RummyMy HeroPaint your DragonOpen SesameWish you Were HereAlexander at Worlds EndOnly HumanSnow White and the Seven SamuraiOlympiadValhallaNothing But Blue SkiesFalling SidewaysLittle PeopleSong for NeroMeadowlandBarkingBlonde BombshellThe Management Style of the Supreme BeingsAn Orc on the Wild Side