DEBORAH TANNEN

Deborah Tannen's You Just Don't Understand spent nearly four years (in cloth and paper) on The New York Times Best Seller list and has sold over a million and a half copies. Clearly, Tannen's insights into how and why women and men so often misunderstand each other when they talk has touched a nerve. For years a highly respected scholar in the field of linguistics, she has now become widely known for her work on how conversational style differences associated with gender affect relationships. Her life work has demonstrated how close and intelligent analysis of conversation can reveal the extraordinary complexities of social relationships--including relationships between men and women. Now, in Gender and Discourse, Tannen has gathered together six of her scholarly essays, including her newest and previously unpublished work in which language and gender are examined through the lens of "sex-class-linked" patterns, rather than "sex-linked" patterns. These essays provide a theoretical backdrop to her best-selling books--and an informative introduction which discusses her field of linguistics, describes the research methods she typically uses, and addresses the controversies surrounding her field as well as some misunderstandings of her work. (She argues, for instance, that her cultural approach to gender differences does not deny that men dominate women in society, nor does it ascribe gender differences to women's "essential nature.") The essays themselves cover a wide range of topics. In one, she analyzes a number of conversational strategies--such as interruption, topic raising, indirection, and silence--and shows that, contrary to much work on language and gender, no strategy exclusively expresses dominance or submissiveness in conversation--interruption (or overlap) can be supportive, silence and indirection can be used to control. It is the interactional context, the participants' individual styles, and the interaction of their styles, Tannen shows, that result in the balance of power. She also provides a fascinating analysis of four groups of males and females (second-, sixth-, and tenth-grade students, and twenty-five year olds) conversing with their best friends, and she includes an early article co-authored with Robin Lakoff that presents a theory of conversational strategy, illustrated by analysis of dialogue in Ingmar Bergman's Scenes from a Marriag

¿Por qué, al hablar en el seno de la familia, se suele caer en los mismos círculos una y otra vez, y casi siempre nos metemos en embrollos? En este libro revelador, Deborah Tannen nos cuenta por qué hablar con los miembros de nuestra familia suele ser problematico, incluso cuando ya somos adultos. Buscamos signos de aceptacion y pertenencia y solo encontramos reprobacion y rechazo. ¿Por que las semillas del amor familiar suelen dar cosechas de rencor y maledicencia? En ¡Lo digo por tu bien!, Tannen muestra cuan importante es, en el habla, aprender a separar el significado de las palabras, o mensajes, de los significados del corazon, o metamensajes, esos significados ocultos y poderosos que son fruto a la vez de la historia de nuestras relaciones y del modo en que decimos las cosas. Basandose en conversaciones reales de la vida cotidiana, Tannen analiza todo lo que esta en juego en el habla familiar, incluyendo el modo en que las conversaciones equilibran comunicacion y control, y responden a nuestros deseos de proximidad sin renunciar a nuestra libertad.Este libro le revelara por que las hijas se sienten censuradas por sus madres y por que las madres creen que no pueden abrir la boca ante sus hijas; por que crecer como un hombre o como una mujer, o ser el hermano mayor o el menor, conlleva una experiencia distinta de la familia, y como esta percepcion persiste a lo largo de toda nuestra vida... Ayudandonos a comprender y a redefinir la comunicacion familiar, Tannen nos proporciona los instrumentos imprescindibles para mejorar la relacion con los miembros de nuestra familia sea cual sea la edad que tengamos.

Este libro aborda la enrarecida atmósfera bélica que actualmente nos envuelve y nos empuja a contemplar cualquier empresa que debamos llevar a cabo como si se tratara de una peligrosa misión. Esta «c

From the author of New York Times bestseller Youre Wearing That? this bestselling classic on interpersonal relations draws upon groundbreaking research by an acclaimed sociolinguist to show that women and men live in different worlds, made of different words.Women and men live in different worlds...made of different words.Spending nearly four years on the New York Times bestseller list, including eight months at number one, You Just Dont Understand is a true cultural and intellectual phenomenon. This is the book that brought gender differences in communication to the forefront of public awareness. With a rare combination of scientific insight and delightful, humorous writing, Tannen shows why women and men can walk away from the same male-female conversation with completely different impressions of what was said.Studded with lively and entertaining examples of real conversations, this insightful guide to conversational styles gives you the tools to understand what went wrongand to find a common language in which to strengthen relationships at work and at home. A classic in the field of sociolinguistics, this book will change forever the way you approach conversations.The problem often isnt what youre sayingits that youre speaking different languages without knowing it.Rapport-talk vs. Report-talk: Discover why for many women, talk is the glue of a relationship, while for many men, its for imparting information and preserving independence. Cross-Cultural Communication: See how men and women grow up in different worlds of words, leading them to misinterpret each others intentions even when they care deeply. Intimacy vs. Independence: Understand why she feels hes pulling away when he feels shes trying to control himand how both can be right. Finding a Common Language: Move beyond blame with practical tools to decode conversations, resolve conflicts, and strengthen your connections at home and at work.

A #1 New York Times bestselling author traces her fathers life from turn-of-the-century Warsaw to New York City in an intimate memoir about family, memory, and the stories we tell.An accomplished, clear-eyed, and affecting memoir about a man who is at once ordinary and extraordinary.Forward Long before she was the acclaimed author of a groundbreaking book about women and men, praised by Oliver Sacks for having a novelists ear for the way people speak, Deborah Tannen was a girl who adored her father. Though he was often absent during her childhood, she was profoundly influenced by his gift for writing and storytelling. As she grew up and he grew older, she spent countless hours recording conversations with her father for the account of his life she had promised him shed write. But when he hands Tannen journals he kept in his youth, and she discovers letters he saved from a woman he might have married instead of her mother, she is forced to rethink her assumptions about her fathers life and her parents marriage. In this memoir, Tannen embarks on the poignant, yet perilous, quest to piece together the puzzle of her fathers life. Beginning with his astonishingly vivid memories of the Hasidic community in Warsaw, where he was born in 1908, she traces his journey: from arriving in New York City in 1920 to quitting high school at fourteen to support his mother and sister, through a vast array of jobs, including prison guard and gun-toting alcohol tax inspector, to eventually establishing the largest workers compensation law practice in New York and running for Congress. As Tannen comes to better understand her fathersand her ownrelationship to Judaism, she uncovers aspects of his life she would never have imagined. Finding My Father is a memoir of Eli Tannens life and the ways in which it reflects the near century that he lived. Even more than that, its an unflinching account of a daughters struggle to see her father clearly, to know him more deeply, and to find a more truthful story about her family and herself.

In her number one bestseller, You Just Dont Understand, Deborah Tannen showed why talking to someone of the other sex can be like talking to someone from another world. Her bestseller Talking from 9 to 5 did for workplace communication what You Just Dont Understand did for personal relationships. Now Tannen is back with another groundbreaking book, this time widening her lens to examine the way we communicate in public--in the media, in politics, in our courtrooms and classrooms--once again letting us see in a new way forces that have been powerfully shaping our lives. The Argument Culture is about a pervasive warlike atmosphere that makes us approach anything we need to accomplish as a fight between two opposing sides. The argument culture urges us to regard the world--and the people in it--in an adversarial frame of mind. It rests on the assumption that opposition is the best way to get anything done: The best way to explore an idea is to set up a debate; the best way to cover the news is to find spokespeople who express the most extreme, polarized views and present them as "both sides"; the best way to settle disputes is litigation that pits one party against the other; the best way to begin an essay is to oppose someone; and the best way to show youre really thinking is to criticize and attack. Sometimes these approaches work well, but often they create more problems than they solve. Our public encounters have become more and more like having an argument with a spouse: Youre not trying to understand what the other person is saying; youre just trying to win the argument. But just as spouses have to learn ways of settling differences without inflicting real damage on each other, so we, as a society, have to find constructive and creative ways of resolving disputes and differences. Public discussions require making an argument for a point of view, not having an argument--as in having a fight. The war on drugs, the war on cancer, the battle of the sexes, politicians turf battles--in the argument culture, war metaphors pervade our talk and shape our thinking. Tannen shows how deeply entrenched this cultural tendency is, the forms it takes, and how it affects us every day--sometimes in useful ways, but often causing, rather than avoiding, damage. In the argument culture, the quality of information we receive is compromised, and our spirits are corroded by living in an atmosphere of unrelenting contention. Tannen explores the roots of the argument culture, the role played by gender, and how other cultures suggest alternative ways to negotiate disagreement and mediate conflicts--and make things better, in public and in private, wherever people are trying to resolve differences and get things done. The Argument Culture is a remarkable book that will change forever the way you perceive the world. You will listen to our public voices in a whole new way.

Conversations between sisters reveal a deep and constant tug between two dynamicsan impulse toward closeness and an impulse toward competition. It takes just a word from your sister to start you laughing, or to summon up a past you both share. But it also takes just a word to send you into an emotional tailspin. For many women, a sister is both a devoted friend and a fierce rival.Wise and witty, You Were Always Moms Favorite! will leave you with a profound new understanding of the unique and precious sister bond, as well as provide practical advice that will open up communication, dispel tensions, and make a vital connection even stronger, deeper, and more resilient.

This warm, wise exploration of female friendship from the #1 New York Times bestselling author of You Just Dont Understand will help women lean into these powerful relationships.A WASHINGTON POST NOTABLE BOOK Celebrates friendship in its frustrations and its rewards and, above all, its wonderful complexity.The Atlantic Best friend, old friend, good friend, bff, college roommate, neighbor, workplace confidante: Womens friendships are a lifeline in times of trouble and a support system for daily life. A friend can be like a sister, daughter, mother, mentor, therapist, or confessoror she can be all of these at once. Shes seen you at your worst and celebrates you at your best. Figuring out what it means to be friends is, in the end, no less than figuring out how we connect to other people. In this illuminating and validating new book, #1 New York Times bestselling author Deborah Tannen deconstructs the ways women friends talk and how those ways can bring friends closer or pull them apart. From casual chatting to intimate confiding, from talking about problems to telling what you had for dinner, Tannen uncovers the patterns of communication and miscommunication that affect friendships at different points in our lives. She shows how even the best of friendswith the best intentionscan say the wrong thing, and how words can repair the damage done by words. Through Tannens signature insight, humor, and ability to present pitch-perfect real-life dialogue, readers will see themselves and their friendships on every page. The book explains the power of women friends who show empathy, give adviceor just listen how women use talk to connect to friendsand to subtly compete how Fear of Being Left Out and Fear of Getting Kicked Out can haunt womens friendships how social media is reshaping communication and relationships Drawing on interviews with eighty women of diverse backgrounds, ranging in age from nine to ninety-seven, Youre the Only One I Can Tell gets to the heart of womens friendshipshow they work or fail, how they help or hurt, and how we can make them better.At a time when the messages we give and get have so many more ways to be misconstrued and potentially damaging, a book that takes apart our language becomes almost vital to our survival as friends.The Washington Post

Why does talk in families so often go in circles, leaving us tied up in knots? In this illuminating book, Deborah Tannen, the linguist and and bestselling author of You Just Dont Understand and many other books, reveals why talking to family members is so often painful and problematic even when were all adults. Searching for signs of acceptance and belonging, we find signs of disapproval and rejection. Why do the seeds of family love so often yield a harvest of criticism and judgment? In I Only Say This Because I Love You, Tannen shows how important it is, in family talk, to learn to separate word meanings, or messages, from heart meanings, or metamessages unstated but powerful meanings that come from the history of our relationships and the way things are said. Presenting real conversations from peoples lives, Tannen reveals what is actually going on in family talk, including how family conversations must balance the longing for connection with the desire for control, as we struggle to be close without giving up our freedom. This eye-opening book explains why grown women so often feel criticized by their mothers; and why mothers feel they cant open their mouths around their grown daughters; why growing up male or female, or as an older or younger sibling, results in different experiences of family that persist throughout our lives; and much, much more. By helping us to understand and redefine family talk, Tannen provides the tools to improve relationships with family members of every age.

Deborah Tannens #1 New York Timesbestseller You Just Dont Understand revolutionized communication between women and men. Now, in her most provocative and engaging book to date, she takes on what is potentially the most fraught and passionate connection of womens lives: the mother-daughter relationship.It was Tannen who first showed us that men and women speak different languages. Mothers and daughters speak the same languagebut still often misunderstand each other, as they struggle to find the right balance between closeness and independence. Both mothers and daughters want to be seen for who they are, but tend to see the other as falling short of who she should be. Each overestimates the others power and underestimates her own. Why do daughters complain that their mothers always criticize, while mothers feel hurt that their daughters shut them out? Why do mothers and daughters critique each other on the Big Threehair, clothes, and weightwhile longing for approval and understanding? And why do they scrutinize each other for reflections of themselves? Deborah Tannen answers these and many other questions as she explains why a remark that would be harmless coming from anyone else can cause an explosion when it comes from your mother or your daughter. She examines every aspect of this complex dynamic, from the dark side that can shadow a woman throughout her life, to the new technologies like e-mail and instant messaging that are transforming mother-daughter communication. Most important, she helps mothers and daughters understand each other, the key to improving their relationship.With groundbreaking insights, pitch-perfect dialogues, and deeply moving memories of her own mother, Tannen untangles the knots daughters and mothers can get tied up in. Readers will appreciate Tannens humor as they see themselves on every page and come away with real hope for breaking down barriers and opening new lines of communication. Eye-opening and heartfelt, Youre Wearing That? illuminates and enriches one of the most important relationships in our lives.Tannen analyzes and decodes scores of conversations between moms and daughters. These exchanges are so real they can make you squirm as you relive the last fraught conversation you had with your own mother or daughter. But Tannen doesnt just point out the pitfalls of the mother-daughter relationship, she also provides guidance for changing the conversations (or the way that we feel about the conversations) before they degenerate into what Tannen calls a mutually aggravating spiral, a "self-perpetuating cycle of escalating responses that become provocations." The San Francisco Chronicle

A Washington Post Notable Book of 2017.Deborah Tannens bestselling You Just Dont Understand: Conversations Between Women and Men made us aware of the deep and subtle meanings behind the words we say. She has since explored the way we talk at work, in arguments, to our mothers and our daughters.Now she turns to that most intense, precious and potential minefield: womens friendships.Best friend, old friend, good friend, new friend, neighbour, fellow mother at the school gate, workplace confidante: womens friendships are crucial. A friend can be like a sister, daughter, mother, mentor, therapist or confessor. She can also be the source of pain and betrayal.From casual chatting to intimate confiding, from talking about problems to sharing funny stories, there are patterns of communication and miscommunication that affect friendships. Tannen shows how even the best of friends - with the best intentions - can say the wrong thing, how the ways women friends talk can bring friends closer or pull them apart, but also how words can repair the damage done by words. She explains the power of women friends who show empathy and can just listen; how women use talk to connect - and to subtly compete; how fears of rejection can haunt friendships; how social media is reshaping relationships.Exploring what it means to be friends, helping us hear what we are really saying, understanding how we connect to other people; this illuminating and validating book gets inside the language of one of most womens life essentials - female friendships.

¿Por que las hijas se quejan de que sus madres siempre las critican, y las madres se sienten heridas porque sus hijas las dejan de lado? ¿Por que madres e hijas discuten constantemente acerca de "la gran triada" -la forma de peinarse, la forma de vestirse y el peso-, mientras estan pidiendo a gritos que se las acepte y comprenda tal cual son? ¿Y por que cada una busca en la otra un reflejo de si misma? Deborah Tannen responde a estas y a muchas otras preguntas, analizando por que un comentario que resultaria totalmente inofensivo pronunciado por cualquier otra persona, puede provocar una autentica explosion si proviene de tu propia madre o de tu propia hija. A traves de su libro, examina todos los aspectos de esta compleja dinamica desde la reflexion sobre los malos sentimientos que pueden perseguir a una mujer durante toda su vida, hasta el papel que las nuevas tecnologias, como el correo electronico y los mensajes instantaneos, estan jugando en la comunicacion entre madres e hijas.

Estudiosa internacionalmente reconocida y muy respetada en el terreno de la lingüística. Deborah Tannen debe gran parte de su prestigio a su trabajo sobre la manera en que el lenguaje refleja y afect

Lo importante no es lo que usted dice, sino cómo lo dice. A partir de esta regla de oro, el presente libro asegura que el éxito o el fracaso de una relación -ya sea en el hogar, en el trabajo o en una cita- dependen de nuestro estilo de conversacion, del volumen que adopte nuestra voz, del tono, el ritmo y el sentido de nuestras palabras. Tanto en el publico como en privado, la consideracion de esas maneras de comunicarse, su armonizacion o enfrentamiento con las de nuestros semejantes, nos conducira sin duda al aprendizaje de vailosisimos mecanismos para afrontar con exito estrategias de trabajo, transacciones comerciales y reuniones de todo tipo. En este sentido, usted podra aprender, entre otras cosas, a: - Comunicarse de manera mas efectiva con sus hijos o con su conyuge, con sus empleados o con su jefe, con sus amigos de siempre o sus nuevas relaciones. - Saber adaptar su ritmo de conversacion o los terminos que emplea con el fin dealcanzar sus objetivos. - Enfrentarse a los intentos de manipulacion por parte de sus interlocutores.